News You Can't Use
The MAGA movement has achieved its ultimate goal: transforming the federal government into their personal feelings protection service. Jimmy Kimmel's indefinite suspension from ABC represents the crowning achievement of conservative snowflakes who spent years complaining about cancel culture before perfecting it through regulatory intimidation...
What started as isolated incidents has evolved into what marine experts are calling "the world's first documented case of whales engaging in organized maritime hooliganism," as Iberian orcas continue their campaign of targeted harassment against European yacht owners who apparently never asked for this level of aquatic attention...
The boardroom at Cracker Barrel headquarters must have been an interesting place this week, as executives grappled with the shocking revelation that customers who choose to eat at a restaurant called "Old Country Store" might actually prefer old country store aesthetics...
After years of struggling to compete in the cutthroat world of conservative television punditry, Newsmax has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Fox News, essentially arguing that Fox has created an illegal monopoly on making people angry about things they saw on the internet...
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has achieved what many thought impossible: convincing the federal government that medical technology from 1796 represents the pinnacle of 21st-century innovation, while simultaneously treating vaccines that saved millions of lives during the pandemic like they were designed by witches...
While most people are content driving their cars on boring old Earth roads, aerospace companies are locked in an epic battle to win NASA contracts for lunar transportation, essentially competing to become the Moon's first taxi service for astronauts who are tired of walking...
Through a masterful combination of aggressive diplomacy and creative hostility, the United States has managed to become less appealing to international tourists than a vacation to an active volcano during monsoon season...
Local law enforcement is patting themselves on the back after successfully detecting what they're calling "the world's least subtle cocaine importation scheme," involving three Sydney men who apparently believed that 506 kilograms of illegal drugs would somehow slip through customs unnoticed like a forgotten water bottle...
In what international relations experts are calling "the most expensive group chat in human history," Chinese President Xi Jinping hosted a Shanghai Cooperation Organization summit that looked less like serious diplomacy and more like the world's most dangerous middle school clique planning to exclude America from their lunch table...
In a bold move that has environmentalists cheering and sushi enthusiasts weeping into their California rolls, South Australia became the first place on Earth to ban the iconic fish-shaped soy sauce packets that have terrorized marine ecosystems for decades with their adorable plastic menace...
In his latest crusade against things that sparkle, Governor Ron DeSantis ordered Florida cities to remove rainbow crosswalks, claiming the colorful pavement poses an existential threat to drivers who might accidentally become gay while crossing the street...
In a stunning blow to prosecutors who apparently believed submarine sandwiches posed a clear and present danger to national security, a Washington DC grand jury declined to indict Sean Charles Dunn on felony charges for throwing a sub at a federal agent...
President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday requiring all federal buildings to embrace "classical architecture," effectively banning any structure that doesn't look like it was designed by someone with a serious obsession with ancient Greece and a lot of leftover marble...
In a stunning display of democratic process, both states race to see who can make congressional districts look most like abstract art. In what political scientists are calling "the most sophisticated game of connect-the-dots in American history," Texas and California have officially entered a high-stakes battle to...
The nation's capital was thrown into chaos this week after President Trump made the shocking discovery that history museums contain information about things that actually happened, including some events that weren't particularly awesome. The crisis began when Trump toured the Smithsonian and encountered what experts are calling "the past," a controversial collection of events that occurred...
In what political scientists are calling "the most predictable meltdown since a toddler being told they can't have ice cream for breakfast," Fox News personalities have expressed deep concern over California Governor Gavin Newsom's recent adoption of a certain orange-tinted politician's signature social media style. The controversy began when Newsom's office started...