The nation's capital was thrown into chaos this week after President Trump made the shocking discovery that history museums contain information about things that actually happened, including some events that weren't particularly awesome.
The crisis began when Trump toured the Smithsonian and encountered what experts are calling "the past," a controversial collection of events that occurred before he was president and therefore outside his direct control.
"Nobody told me these places were full of history," Trump reportedly told aides after visiting the National Museum of African American History and Culture. "I thought it would be more like a gift shop with some nice paintings of me."
The President has since demanded a full review of all Smithsonian exhibits, with particular focus on removing what he calls "sad stories that make America look bad." Museum staff are reportedly confused about how to comply with this directive.
"He wants us to keep the history but make it not historical," explained one bewildered curator. "It's like asking us to serve water that isn't wet."
White House advisors have been working around the clock to develop alternative narratives that would satisfy the President's vision of "American history, but good this time."
Early proposals include: A slavery exhibit titled "Early American Unpaid Internship Program", Rebranding the Civil War as "America's Spirited Team-Building Exercise", An interactive display called "Smallpox Blankets: Sharing is Caring!"
The President's particular objection to exhibits about slavery has puzzled historians, who note that condemning slavery has been relatively uncontroversial since approximately 1865.
"I'm not sure what the alternative perspective is supposed to be here," said Dr. Marcus Thompson, a Civil War historian. "Pro-slavery? Is that really the hill we're dying on in 2025?"
Meanwhile, Smithsonian leadership is grappling with the unprecedented challenge of presenting American history in a way that acknowledges no problems ever existed while still maintaining their accreditation as actual educational institutions.
"We're exploring creative solutions," said one administrator who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Maybe we can present everything as a series of 'learning experiences' or 'character-building moments.' The Trail of Tears becomes 'Indigenous Americans Discover the Joy of Walking.'"
The controversy has spread to other cultural institutions, with the National Gallery of Art reportedly concerned about paintings that might be "too honest" about historical periods. Sources suggest they're considering adding cheerful thought bubbles to paintings of the Great Depression.
Local museums across the country are now scrambling to Trump-proof their exhibits. The Holocaust Museum has reportedly received inquiries about whether they could focus more on "the inspiring story of people working together in camps."
Educational experts worry about the long-term implications of sanitizing historical narratives to avoid hurting presidential feelings.
"If we remove every uncomfortable truth from our museums," asked Dr. Sarah Jenkins of American University, "what's left? Just a really expensive building full of 'America is Great' posters?"
The President defended his position in a recent social media post, writing: "Why do our Museums focus on the negative? So unfair! I am working to make our History more positive and beautiful. Many people are saying I should be in more exhibits!"
When asked for comment, the ghost of George Washington was reportedly seen facepalming at Mount Vernon.
The Smithsonian Institution has not yet announced how they plan to reconcile their mission of education and historical preservation with the President's apparent preference for historical fiction.
Museum visitors have been advised to lower their expectations accordingly and perhaps visit the gift shop instead, where American history is presented exclusively through the medium of refrigerator magnets and commemorative spoons.