News You Can't Use
In the year 2026, basic biological hydration is no longer a private health choice; it is a high-level security clearance. Former President Barack Obama found himself at the center of a digital firestorm this week after a podcast appearance where his decision to drink water was interpreted as a definitive signal to our galactic overlords.
While the "wellness" industry spent the last decade trying to sell us $12 bottles of alkaline water and $2,000 smart-mirrors that yell at you to do squats, 94-year-old Dr. Viswanathan has been quietly winning at life by doing the unthinkable: staying blissfully, stubbornly offline.
Several prominent conservative media personalities visiting San Francisco for the Super Bowl have expressed shock and confusion after discovering the city is not, in fact, a post-apocalyptic hellscape ruled by feral homeless people and Nancy Pelosi.
Waymo executives admitted Wednesday that when their autonomous vehicles get confused, they sometimes call someone in the Philippines for help. The company prefers to describe these workers as "overseas contextual navigation specialists" rather than "guys named Steve who tell the robot what to do."
China has become the first nation to require that car doors operate using the ancient, mystical technology known as "handles you can pull," ending the brief and deadly reign of doors that require a degree in electrical engineering to open during an emergency.
PepsiCo announced Tuesday it will reduce snack prices by up to 15% after a year-long listening tour revealed the shocking discovery that customers find their products "too expensive," a concept the company's executive team had apparently never encountered before.
Reform UK has unveiled a £3 billion plan to slash the price of beer by potentially 5p per pint—funded entirely by reinstating the two-child benefit cap and plunging 450,000 children back into poverty. Political scientists are calling it "mathematically dystopian," while Nigel Farage is calling it "a proper night out, sorted."
California Governor Gavin Newsom has pivoted from politics to product development, unveiling a signature line of knee pads specifically designed for corporate executives and world leaders who have discovered their true calling is bowing before Donald Trump.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced Tuesday that it has successfully eliminated the single most annoying obstacle to breaking into people's homes: having to ask permission from judges. The agency's new "Because We Said So" entry program allows agents to simply write themselves a hall pass and kick in whatever door seems interesting that day.
In a bold declaration of medical sovereignty, the United States officially withdrew from the World Health Organization on Wednesday, confidently asserting that it has learned everything there is to know about health and no longer requires assistance from the international community.
French President Emmanuel Macron showed up to an economic forum wearing aviator sunglasses indoors because of a burst blood vessel in his eye, and now a small Italian eyewear company is worth €3.5 million more than it was on Monday. The stock market remains a perfectly rational system based on fundamentals and careful analysis.
The tech industry gathered in Las Vegas this week to unveil its latest innovations, confirming what many have long suspected: humanity has solved every conceivable problem, and companies are now just making stuff up.
After 20 years and countless delays, the Department of Homeland Security has admitted what everyone suspected: the REAL ID they spent two decades forcing on Americans doesn't actually work.
The US Consulate in Nuuk has posted a job listing seeking unpaid interns to manage its communications channels, with the position focused on "communicating US foreign policy priorities to a Greenlandic audience." The listing makes no mention of what those priorities are, but sources suggest they may rhyme with "minnow fraction."
Hundreds of Waymo robotaxis just stopped on Saturday. Not at stop signs. Not for pedestrians. They just... stopped. Everywhere. All at once. Like a flash mob, but sadder and blocking traffic.
President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner and envoy Steve Witkoff have unveiled "Project Sunrise," an ambitious $112 billion plan to transform Gaza into what they're calling "Dubai, but with more unexploded ordnance."
In a stunning medical diagnosis that surprised absolutely no one, a team of former lawmakers has officially declared the U.S. House of Representatives clinically brain dead, though they note the institution still maintains a faint pulse and occasional muscle twitches.
Hollywood director Carl Rinsch has been found guilty of what prosecutors are calling "fraud" but what his lawyers insist was simply "being a creative genius struggling with his benefactor, like Vincent van Gogh, but with better taste in mattresses."
India's largest airline IndiGo has made a groundbreaking discovery: pilots get tired when they work too much. This revelation came as a complete surprise to the carrier despite having nearly two years to prepare for it.
A masked bandit broke into a Virginia liquor store over the weekend and lived out every adult's fantasy of having unlimited access to alcohol, only to discover why it's actually a terrible idea...
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is revolutionizing federal law enforcement by proving that traditional hiring standards like "literacy" and "physical fitness" are just elitist gatekeeping...
British Columbia’s sea wolves have officially entered their criminal era, after researchers filmed them pulling off crab-trap heists with the smooth efficiency of marine pickpockets...
After accomplishing absolutely nothing except proving that 750,000 federal employees could survive six weeks without paychecks, Congress voted Wednesday to reopen the government and immediately set another shutdown deadline for two months from now, because apparently nobody learned anything...
Democrats swept nearly every competitive race Tuesday night, immediately triggering a Republican Party meltdown over why voters keep doing this incredibly rude thing where they choose the other candidates...
Citing concerns that federal election monitors might be mean to state election monitors, California Attorney General Rob Bonta announced Monday that California will deploy its own monitors to stand next to the DOJ monitors and make sure nobody gets their feelings hurt during Tuesday's voting on whether Democrats get to redraw some maps...
President Trump fired all six members of the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts Tuesday after discovering the federal agency had been approving monuments and memorials without sufficient quantities of marble columns and gilded ornamentation...
The MAGA movement has achieved its ultimate goal: transforming the federal government into their personal feelings protection service. Jimmy Kimmel's indefinite suspension from ABC represents the crowning achievement of conservative snowflakes who spent years complaining about cancel culture before perfecting it through regulatory intimidation...
What started as isolated incidents has evolved into what marine experts are calling "the world's first documented case of whales engaging in organized maritime hooliganism," as Iberian orcas continue their campaign of targeted harassment against European yacht owners who apparently never asked for this level of aquatic attention...
The boardroom at Cracker Barrel headquarters must have been an interesting place this week, as executives grappled with the shocking revelation that customers who choose to eat at a restaurant called "Old Country Store" might actually prefer old country store aesthetics...
After years of struggling to compete in the cutthroat world of conservative television punditry, Newsmax has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Fox News, essentially arguing that Fox has created an illegal monopoly on making people angry about things they saw on the internet...
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has achieved what many thought impossible: convincing the federal government that medical technology from 1796 represents the pinnacle of 21st-century innovation, while simultaneously treating vaccines that saved millions of lives during the pandemic like they were designed by witches...
While most people are content driving their cars on boring old Earth roads, aerospace companies are locked in an epic battle to win NASA contracts for lunar transportation, essentially competing to become the Moon's first taxi service for astronauts who are tired of walking...
Through a masterful combination of aggressive diplomacy and creative hostility, the United States has managed to become less appealing to international tourists than a vacation to an active volcano during monsoon season...
Local law enforcement is patting themselves on the back after successfully detecting what they're calling "the world's least subtle cocaine importation scheme," involving three Sydney men who apparently believed that 506 kilograms of illegal drugs would somehow slip through customs unnoticed like a forgotten water bottle...
In what international relations experts are calling "the most expensive group chat in human history," Chinese President Xi Jinping hosted a Shanghai Cooperation Organization summit that looked less like serious diplomacy and more like the world's most dangerous middle school clique planning to exclude America from their lunch table...
In a bold move that has environmentalists cheering and sushi enthusiasts weeping into their California rolls, South Australia became the first place on Earth to ban the iconic fish-shaped soy sauce packets that have terrorized marine ecosystems for decades with their adorable plastic menace...
In his latest crusade against things that sparkle, Governor Ron DeSantis ordered Florida cities to remove rainbow crosswalks, claiming the colorful pavement poses an existential threat to drivers who might accidentally become gay while crossing the street...
In a stunning blow to prosecutors who apparently believed submarine sandwiches posed a clear and present danger to national security, a Washington DC grand jury declined to indict Sean Charles Dunn on felony charges for throwing a sub at a federal agent...
President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday requiring all federal buildings to embrace "classical architecture," effectively banning any structure that doesn't look like it was designed by someone with a serious obsession with ancient Greece and a lot of leftover marble...
In a stunning display of democratic process, both states race to see who can make congressional districts look most like abstract art. In what political scientists are calling "the most sophisticated game of connect-the-dots in American history," Texas and California have officially entered a high-stakes battle to...
The nation's capital was thrown into chaos this week after President Trump made the shocking discovery that history museums contain information about things that actually happened, including some events that weren't particularly awesome. The crisis began when Trump toured the Smithsonian and encountered what experts are calling "the past," a controversial collection of events that occurred...
In what political scientists are calling "the most predictable meltdown since a toddler being told they can't have ice cream for breakfast," Fox News personalities have expressed deep concern over California Governor Gavin Newsom's recent adoption of a certain orange-tinted politician's signature social media style. The controversy began when Newsom's office started...