In what is being hailed as the most cooperative diplomatic summit of the decade, the U.S. State Department announced Wednesday that it has reached a "broad, 15-point consensus" with itself regarding the future of Iran. The breakthrough comes after hours of intense deliberation where American officials reportedly looked into a mahogany-framed mirror and found an interlocutor who finally agreed with every single one of their demands.
"We haven't seen this kind of synergy in years," said one senior official, speaking on the condition of anonymity while high-fiving their own reflection. "Usually, negotiations involve a second party that says 'no' or 'we want our missiles back.' But by negotiating strictly with ourselves, we’ve eliminated the friction of reality. It’s efficient, it’s bold, and frankly, the catering was cheaper."
In Tehran, military spokesperson Lt. Col. Ebrahim Zolfaghari responded to the news with the diplomatic equivalent of a "seen" receipt. "We are truly impressed by the Americans' ability to have a full-blown argument and a tearful reconciliation without us even being in the room," Zolfaghari told state media. "Has the inner struggle reached the point where you're asking your own reflection for sanctions relief? If so, tell your reflection we still say 'no.'"
Despite the total lack of Iranian participation, Washington remains optimistic. "The talks are going very well," President Trump posted on social media. "I made a demand, I thought about it, and then I agreed with myself. It was a very tough negotiation—I'm a very stable, very difficult person to deal with—but in the end, I gave in to my own brilliance. Big victory!"