News You Can't Use
Reform UK has unveiled a £3 billion plan to slash the price of beer by potentially 5p per pint—funded entirely by reinstating the two-child benefit cap and plunging 450,000 children back into poverty. Political scientists are calling it "mathematically dystopian," while Nigel Farage is calling it "a proper night out, sorted."
Waymo executives admitted Wednesday that when their autonomous vehicles get confused, they sometimes call someone in the Philippines for help. The company prefers to describe these workers as "overseas contextual navigation specialists" rather than "guys named Steve who tell the robot what to do."
PepsiCo announced Tuesday it will reduce snack prices by up to 15% after a year-long listening tour revealed the shocking discovery that customers find their products "too expensive," a concept the company's executive team had apparently never encountered before.
China has become the first nation to require that car doors operate using the ancient, mystical technology known as "handles you can pull," ending the brief and deadly reign of doors that require a degree in electrical engineering to open during an emergency.
Several prominent conservative media personalities visiting San Francisco for the Super Bowl have expressed shock and confusion after discovering the city is not, in fact, a post-apocalyptic hellscape ruled by feral homeless people and Nancy Pelosi.
In a bold declaration of medical sovereignty, the United States officially withdrew from the World Health Organization on Wednesday, confidently asserting that it has learned everything there is to know about health and no longer requires assistance from the international community.
French President Emmanuel Macron showed up to an economic forum wearing aviator sunglasses indoors because of a burst blood vessel in his eye, and now a small Italian eyewear company is worth €3.5 million more than it was on Monday. The stock market remains a perfectly rational system based on fundamentals and careful analysis.
California Governor Gavin Newsom has pivoted from politics to product development, unveiling a signature line of knee pads specifically designed for corporate executives and world leaders who have discovered their true calling is bowing before Donald Trump.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced Tuesday that it has successfully eliminated the single most annoying obstacle to breaking into people's homes: having to ask permission from judges. The agency's new "Because We Said So" entry program allows agents to simply write themselves a hall pass and kick in whatever door seems interesting that day.
The tech industry gathered in Las Vegas this week to unveil its latest innovations, confirming what many have long suspected: humanity has solved every conceivable problem, and companies are now just making stuff up.
The US Consulate in Nuuk has posted a job listing seeking unpaid interns to manage its communications channels, with the position focused on "communicating US foreign policy priorities to a Greenlandic audience." The listing makes no mention of what those priorities are, but sources suggest they may rhyme with "minnow fraction."
After 20 years and countless delays, the Department of Homeland Security has admitted what everyone suspected: the REAL ID they spent two decades forcing on Americans doesn't actually work.
President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner and envoy Steve Witkoff have unveiled "Project Sunrise," an ambitious $112 billion plan to transform Gaza into what they're calling "Dubai, but with more unexploded ordnance."
Hundreds of Waymo robotaxis just stopped on Saturday. Not at stop signs. Not for pedestrians. They just... stopped. Everywhere. All at once. Like a flash mob, but sadder and blocking traffic.
In a stunning medical diagnosis that surprised absolutely no one, a team of former lawmakers has officially declared the U.S. House of Representatives clinically brain dead, though they note the institution still maintains a faint pulse and occasional muscle twitches.
Hollywood director Carl Rinsch has been found guilty of what prosecutors are calling "fraud" but what his lawyers insist was simply "being a creative genius struggling with his benefactor, like Vincent van Gogh, but with better taste in mattresses."
India's largest airline IndiGo has made a groundbreaking discovery: pilots get tired when they work too much. This revelation came as a complete surprise to the carrier despite having nearly two years to prepare for it.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is revolutionizing federal law enforcement by proving that traditional hiring standards like "literacy" and "physical fitness" are just elitist gatekeeping.
A masked bandit broke into a Virginia liquor store over the weekend and lived out every adult's fantasy of having unlimited access to alcohol, only to discover why it's actually a terrible idea.
British Columbia’s sea wolves have officially entered their criminal era, after researchers filmed them pulling off crab-trap heists with the smooth efficiency of marine pickpockets.