News You Can't Use
French President Emmanuel Macron showed up to an economic forum wearing aviator sunglasses indoors because of a burst blood vessel in his eye, and now a small Italian eyewear company is worth €3.5 million more than it was on Monday. The stock market remains a perfectly rational system based on fundamentals and careful analysis.
California Governor Gavin Newsom has pivoted from politics to product development, unveiling a signature line of knee pads specifically designed for corporate executives and world leaders who have discovered their true calling is bowing before Donald Trump.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced Tuesday that it has successfully eliminated the single most annoying obstacle to breaking into people's homes: having to ask permission from judges. The agency's new "Because We Said So" entry program allows agents to simply write themselves a hall pass and kick in whatever door seems interesting that day.
The tech industry gathered in Las Vegas this week to unveil its latest innovations, confirming what many have long suspected: humanity has solved every conceivable problem, and companies are now just making stuff up.
The US Consulate in Nuuk has posted a job listing seeking unpaid interns to manage its communications channels, with the position focused on "communicating US foreign policy priorities to a Greenlandic audience." The listing makes no mention of what those priorities are, but sources suggest they may rhyme with "minnow fraction."
After 20 years and countless delays, the Department of Homeland Security has admitted what everyone suspected: the REAL ID they spent two decades forcing on Americans doesn't actually work.
President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner and envoy Steve Witkoff have unveiled "Project Sunrise," an ambitious $112 billion plan to transform Gaza into what they're calling "Dubai, but with more unexploded ordnance."
Hundreds of Waymo robotaxis just stopped on Saturday. Not at stop signs. Not for pedestrians. They just... stopped. Everywhere. All at once. Like a flash mob, but sadder and blocking traffic.
In a stunning medical diagnosis that surprised absolutely no one, a team of former lawmakers has officially declared the U.S. House of Representatives clinically brain dead, though they note the institution still maintains a faint pulse and occasional muscle twitches.
Hollywood director Carl Rinsch has been found guilty of what prosecutors are calling "fraud" but what his lawyers insist was simply "being a creative genius struggling with his benefactor, like Vincent van Gogh, but with better taste in mattresses."
India's largest airline IndiGo has made a groundbreaking discovery: pilots get tired when they work too much. This revelation came as a complete surprise to the carrier despite having nearly two years to prepare for it.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is revolutionizing federal law enforcement by proving that traditional hiring standards like "literacy" and "physical fitness" are just elitist gatekeeping.
A masked bandit broke into a Virginia liquor store over the weekend and lived out every adult's fantasy of having unlimited access to alcohol, only to discover why it's actually a terrible idea.
British Columbia’s sea wolves have officially entered their criminal era, after researchers filmed them pulling off crab-trap heists with the smooth efficiency of marine pickpockets.
Democrats swept nearly every competitive race Tuesday night, immediately triggering a Republican Party meltdown over why voters keep doing this incredibly rude thing where they choose the other candidates.
After accomplishing absolutely nothing except proving that 750,000 federal employees could survive six weeks without paychecks, Congress voted Wednesday to reopen the government and immediately set another shutdown deadline for two months from now, because apparently nobody learned anything.
Citing concerns that federal election monitors might be mean to state election monitors, California Attorney General Rob Bonta announced Monday that California will deploy its own monitors to stand next to the DOJ monitors and make sure nobody gets their feelings hurt during Tuesday's voting on whether Democrats get to redraw some maps.
Citing their complete failure to understand that buildings should "look classy, like really classy," President Trump fired all six members of the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts Tuesday after discovering the federal agency had been approving monuments and memorials without sufficient quantities of marble columns and gilded ornamentation.
The MAGA movement has achieved its ultimate goal: transforming the federal government into their personal feelings protection service. Jimmy Kimmel's indefinite suspension from ABC represents the crowning achievement of conservative snowflakes who spent years complaining about cancel culture before perfecting it through regulatory intimidation.
What started as isolated incidents has evolved into what marine experts are calling "the world's first documented case of whales engaging in organized maritime hooliganism," as Iberian orcas continue their campaign of targeted harassment against European yacht owners who apparently never asked for this level of aquatic attention.