Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced Tuesday that it has successfully eliminated the single most annoying obstacle to breaking into people's homes: having to ask permission from judges. The agency's new "Because We Said So" entry program allows agents to simply write themselves a hall pass and kick in whatever door seems interesting that day.
"For over 200 years, America has been burdened by this archaic system where we had to, like, explain ourselves to some robe-wearing nerd with a gavel," explained ICE Deputy Director of Totally Legal Operations Brad Thornton. "But thanks to our innovative internal memo system, we've discovered that the Fourth Amendment was actually more of a suggestion."
The new policy allows ICE agents to write their own permission slips — officially termed "administrative warrants" — which require no judicial review, no probable cause, and conveniently, no accountability.
"We just write 'ICE says this person needs arresting' on a piece of paper, sign it ourselves, and boom — constitutional crisis averted," Thornton said, gesturing to a stack of self-signed warrants next to a half-eaten ham sandwich. "It's like being your own parent who writes excuse notes for school."
Constitutional law experts initially expressed concern that the policy might violate the Fourth Amendment, which explicitly requires warrants to be issued by neutral judges. However, ICE's legal team pointed out that if you squint really hard and tilt your head at a 47-degree angle, the Constitution could say whatever you want.
Last week in Minneapolis, agents utilized the streamlined process to arrest a man in his underwear after writing themselves permission to enter his home during breakfast. The entire operation took less time than it would have taken to actually call a judge.
"Some people are saying this is unconstitutional overreach," acknowledged Thornton. "But those people clearly haven't seen the memo where we decided it wasn't. We were very thorough — it's like, three whole paragraphs."
When asked whether Americans should be concerned about federal agents entering homes without judicial oversight, Thornton seemed confused by the question. "Why would anyone be worried? We're the government. What's the worst that could happen when you let enforcement agencies act as their own judges?"
At press time, ICE had just approved its own internal memo declaring that all criticism of the new policy constitutes "being a real downer" and should be disregarded.