The tech industry gathered in Las Vegas this week to unveil its latest innovations, confirming what many have long suspected: humanity has solved every conceivable problem, and companies are now just making stuff up.
Among the groundbreaking revelations at CES 2026 were lollipops that play music through your skull bones, digital nail polish that requires an app, and a robot that slowly folds your laundry while you wonder if you could've just done it yourself in less time.
"We looked around and realized there was literally nothing left to fix," explained one Samsung executive who asked not to be named because even he seemed embarrassed. "World hunger? Climate change? Affordable housing? Those are hard. But a TV you can stick flush against a wall? Now that's innovation."
The show kicked off with the traditional parade of executives using the word "AI" approximately 47,000 times, with most companies slapping artificial intelligence onto products that absolutely did not need it. Highlights included AI-powered hair clippers that require you to wear a "fade band" on your head so the algorithm knows where your skull is, because apparently mirrors are no longer sufficient technology.
Razer unveiled Project AVA, a holographic anime assistant that lives in a tube on your desk and watches everything you do via built-in cameras. The company insisted this is "non-invasive," using a definition of that word not found in any dictionary. Users can choose between different AI personalities, including an anime girl and a muscular man, though the company has not yet explained why anyone would want either of these staring at them while they work.
LEGO introduced Smart Bricks that add lights and sounds to traditional building blocks, successfully answering the question "what if we took a beloved toy that encourages creativity and imagination, and added batteries?" The bricks start at $70, or approximately one mortgage payment per childhood memory.
For music lovers tired of the inconvenience of regular candy, Lollipop Star debuted its bone-conduction lollipops featuring Ice Spice (peach), Akon (blueberry), and Armani White (lime). The $8.99 single-use treats vibrate music through your jawbone while you lick them, finally solving the problem of "what if eating candy was somehow more uncomfortable?"
LG's CLOiD home robot demonstrated its ability to fold laundry and load dishwashers, albeit "very slowly," according to witnesses. The robot features a tilting torso, articulated arms, and the uncanny ability to make you feel guilty about how little you've accomplished today. Pricing was not announced, but sources suggest it will cost approximately "more than just doing your own laundry for the rest of your life."
Dreame unveiled a floor-lamp-sized hair dryer that stands six feet tall and costs $700. The company says it dries hair, revitalizes scalps with red light, and can serve as mood lighting, which is good because you'll need to set the mood to explain to your spouse why there's a $700 hair dryer taking up 15% of your bathroom.
In the "solutions looking for problems" category, iPolish introduced digital press-on nails with embedded displays that change colors via an app. The system includes 400 shades and costs $95, for people who find traditional nail polish changes insufficiently complicated and smartphone-dependent.
Vovo unveiled a smart toilet that can detect if you haven't used it in 8-10 hours and alert emergency contacts, a feature that would have saved Elvis if he'd just had the foresight to wait 50 years for the technology to exist.
Several companies showcased AI pet companions, including one with a "removable heart-shaped module" so you can transplant your robot's soul if its body breaks. Therapists are reportedly quite excited about the billable hours this product will generate.
HyperX debuted brain-scanning headphones that allegedly improve gaming performance by reading your neural activity, because nothing says "fun" like letting a headset monitor your brainwaves while you play video games.
When asked about the overall theme of CES 2026, one anonymous attendee summarized it perfectly: "We've reached the point where companies are just throwing AI, robots, and apps at literally anything to see what sticks. Next year I expect to see an AI-powered rock that tells you when it's being a rock."
Tech executives defended the innovation deluge, noting that just because something is technically unnecessary doesn't mean people won't buy it. Sales data for the $700 hair dryer floor lamp will determine if they're right.