News You Can't Use
After 20 years and countless delays, the Department of Homeland Security has admitted what everyone suspected: the REAL ID they spent two decades forcing on Americans doesn't actually work.
President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner and envoy Steve Witkoff have unveiled "Project Sunrise," an ambitious $112 billion plan to transform Gaza into what they're calling "Dubai, but with more unexploded ordnance."
Hundreds of Waymo robotaxis just stopped on Saturday. Not at stop signs. Not for pedestrians. They just... stopped. Everywhere. All at once. Like a flash mob, but sadder and blocking traffic.
In a stunning medical diagnosis that surprised absolutely no one, a team of former lawmakers has officially declared the U.S. House of Representatives clinically brain dead, though they note the institution still maintains a faint pulse and occasional muscle twitches.
Hollywood director Carl Rinsch has been found guilty of what prosecutors are calling "fraud" but what his lawyers insist was simply "being a creative genius struggling with his benefactor, like Vincent van Gogh, but with better taste in mattresses."
India's largest airline IndiGo has made a groundbreaking discovery: pilots get tired when they work too much. This revelation came as a complete surprise to the carrier despite having nearly two years to prepare for it.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is revolutionizing federal law enforcement by proving that traditional hiring standards like "literacy" and "physical fitness" are just elitist gatekeeping.
A masked bandit broke into a Virginia liquor store over the weekend and lived out every adult's fantasy of having unlimited access to alcohol, only to discover why it's actually a terrible idea.
British Columbia’s sea wolves have officially entered their criminal era, after researchers filmed them pulling off crab-trap heists with the smooth efficiency of marine pickpockets.
Democrats swept nearly every competitive race Tuesday night, immediately triggering a Republican Party meltdown over why voters keep doing this incredibly rude thing where they choose the other candidates.
After accomplishing absolutely nothing except proving that 750,000 federal employees could survive six weeks without paychecks, Congress voted Wednesday to reopen the government and immediately set another shutdown deadline for two months from now, because apparently nobody learned anything.
Citing concerns that federal election monitors might be mean to state election monitors, California Attorney General Rob Bonta announced Monday that California will deploy its own monitors to stand next to the DOJ monitors and make sure nobody gets their feelings hurt during Tuesday's voting on whether Democrats get to redraw some maps.
Citing their complete failure to understand that buildings should "look classy, like really classy," President Trump fired all six members of the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts Tuesday after discovering the federal agency had been approving monuments and memorials without sufficient quantities of marble columns and gilded ornamentation.
The MAGA movement has achieved its ultimate goal: transforming the federal government into their personal feelings protection service. Jimmy Kimmel's indefinite suspension from ABC represents the crowning achievement of conservative snowflakes who spent years complaining about cancel culture before perfecting it through regulatory intimidation.
What started as isolated incidents has evolved into what marine experts are calling "the world's first documented case of whales engaging in organized maritime hooliganism," as Iberian orcas continue their campaign of targeted harassment against European yacht owners who apparently never asked for this level of aquatic attention.
The boardroom at Cracker Barrel headquarters must have been an interesting place this week, as executives grappled with the shocking revelation that customers who choose to eat at a restaurant called "Old Country Store" might actually prefer old country store aesthetics.
After years of struggling to compete in the cutthroat world of conservative television punditry, Newsmax has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Fox News, essentially arguing that Fox has created an illegal monopoly on making people angry about things they saw on the internet.
While most people are content driving their cars on boring old Earth roads, aerospace companies are locked in an epic battle to win NASA contracts for lunar transportation, essentially competing to become the Moon's first taxi service for astronauts who are tired of walking.
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has achieved what many thought impossible: convincing the federal government that medical technology from 1796 represents the pinnacle of 21st-century innovation, while simultaneously treating vaccines that saved millions of lives during the pandemic like they were designed by witches.
In what international relations experts are calling "the most expensive group chat in human history," Chinese President Xi Jinping hosted a Shanghai Cooperation Organization summit that looked less like serious diplomacy and more like the world's most dangerous middle school clique planning to exclude America from their lunch table.