After years of struggling to compete in the cutthroat world of conservative television punditry, Newsmax has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Fox News, essentially arguing that Fox has created an illegal monopoly on making people angry about things they saw on the internet.
The lawsuit accuses Fox News of "abusing monopoly power to suppress right-leaning competitors," which in layman's terms means Newsmax is upset that Fox got to the "shouty conservative news" market first and refuses to share their viewers who enjoy being perpetually outraged about everything.
Newsmax's complaint reveals that Fox charges cable companies nearly $2.20 per subscriber per month - double what CNN charges and six times MSNBC's fees - apparently because Fox discovered that angry conservative viewers are worth premium prices to advertisers selling gold coins and tactical flashlights.
"This lawsuit is about restoring fairness to the market," declared Newsmax CEO Chris Ruddy while standing next to a PowerPoint presentation titled "Why We Deserve Some of Fox's Viewers Too." The lawsuit seeks to ensure "Americans have real choice in the news they watch," presumably meaning the choice between different flavors of the same conservative talking points delivered by different angry white men in suits.
Fox replied that Newsmax "cannot sue their way out of their own competitive failures in the marketplace," which is corporate speak for "maybe try being better at television instead of better at filing lawsuits."
The legal battle represents what media experts are calling "the most expensive tantrum in cable news history," as Newsmax essentially argues that Fox has been too successful at convincing elderly viewers that everything is terrible and only Fox can explain why.
Newsmax is seeking monetary damages and wants the court to restrict Fox from maintaining its allegedly "exclusionary contracts and monopolistic practices," which sounds suspiciously like a participation trophy for conservative media networks that can't figure out how to build their own audience.
The lawsuit alleges that Fox has used its dominance to bully cable providers into giving them better channel placement and higher fees, essentially the media equivalent of the popular kid in high school making sure the nerdy kid can't sit at the cool table during lunch.
Industry analysts note the irony of one conservative network suing another for being too good at capitalism, while both networks spend their airtime defending free market principles and complaining about government interference in business.
"It's beautiful," observed fictional media critic Dr. Irony McSarcasm. "Two networks that rail against 'frivolous lawsuits' every night are now engaged in what might be the most frivolous lawsuit in television history. Their viewers must be so confused about whether to support corporate monopolies or small business competition."
The case is expected to drag on for years, providing both networks with endless content about how the other one is destroying American democracy through their choice of legal representation. Viewers are reportedly stockpiling popcorn and blood pressure medication in preparation for the media coverage.