In what international relations experts are calling "the most expensive group chat in human history," Chinese President Xi Jinping hosted a Shanghai Cooperation Organization summit that looked less like serious diplomacy and more like the world's most dangerous middle school clique planning to exclude America from their lunch table.
Viral photos show Xi, Putin, and Modi huddled together like they're sharing the juiciest gossip of the century, with body language experts confirming they were definitely talking about someone behind their back. Sources suggest the conversation involved extensive eye-rolling about America's latest international temper tantrums and possibly trading funny Trump impressions.
"They were clearly having the time of their lives," observed one diplomatic photographer who captured the moment. "Putin was doing that thing where he pretends to be serious but you can tell he's about to crack up, while Modi looked like he just heard the world's best dad joke, and Xi had that smile you get when your annoying neighbor's house gets egged."
The three-day summit in Tianjin featured what Xi described as his "vision of a new world order," which apparently involves creating an exclusive club where membership requires either nuclear weapons, a billion-person population, or the ability to make America really, really nervous just by existing.
The gathering included leaders from 20 countries, all united by their shared hobby of not being America and their collective enjoyment of watching the US struggle with basic international relations. Iran's delegation reportedly brought popcorn to watch the proceedings, while North Korea sent a representative whose only job was to take notes for future trolling opportunities.
"This is clearly a calculated effort to undermine American leadership," worried fictional State Department analyst Bob Paranoia-Smith while frantically updating his PowerPoint presentation titled "Why Three Guys Talking Is Definitely About Us." "When world leaders laugh together, it's obviously at America's expense. There's no other possible explanation for international joy."
The summit's highlight was a carefully choreographed group photo featuring 20 world leaders standing in formation like the world's most powerful boy band, with Xi positioned as the obvious lead singer and Putin playing the role of "mysterious bad boy member who might quit the group at any moment."
Behind-the-scenes footage showed the three main leaders exchanging phone numbers and making plans for future hangouts, with Modi reportedly inviting everyone to India for "a proper cricket match and some really good curry." Putin was overheard asking if anyone wanted to go bear hunting, while Xi suggested they all meet quarterly to "discuss world affairs and share funny videos."
The bonding session has apparently strengthened what diplomats are calling the "Axis of People Who Think America Is Being Extra Right Now," a loose alliance united by their shared bewilderment at current US foreign policy and their mutual appreciation for countries that don't threaten to annex their neighbors every Tuesday.
American officials responded to the viral photos by immediately calling an emergency meeting to discuss "the clear and present danger of international friendship," while Pentagon analysts worked overtime to determine whether world leaders laughing together constitutes a national security threat.
The summit concluded with all participants agreeing to meet again next year, possibly in a location with better lighting for their inevitable viral photos and definitely somewhere with good Wi-Fi for sharing memes about whatever America does next.