After accomplishing absolutely nothing except proving that 750,000 federal employees could survive six weeks without paychecks, Congress voted Wednesday to reopen the government and immediately set another shutdown deadline for two months from now, because apparently nobody learned anything.
President Trump signed the funding bill while blaming Democrats for "causing pain" during a shutdown he also claimed was "easy to avoid" but somehow lasted 43 days. This represents the longest recorded instance of someone simultaneously taking credit for ending a crisis while insisting it was everyone else's fault.
The bill funds the government through January 30, giving lawmakers approximately 10 weeks to have this exact same fight all over again but with Christmas decorations. Political experts described the timeline as "impressively stupid" and "basically guaranteeing we'll be doing this again right after New Year's."
House Speaker Mike Johnson celebrated by finally swearing in Arizona Democrat Adelita Grijalva, who won her election seven weeks ago but had been waiting in the hallway because Johnson was too busy not doing anything. "Congratulations," Johnson said, apparently unaware that making someone wait 54 days to start their job is not normal.
Democrats demanded Affordable Care Act subsidy extensions affecting 24 million Americans, but settled for a vague Republican promise to "maybe vote on that in December," which is the congressional equivalent of "I'll totally pay you back, bro."
The shutdown cost 60,000 jobs and will shave multiple percentage points off GDP growth, but the House Freedom Caucus celebrated it as their "fourth successful blocking of an omnibus spending bill," because apparently destroying the economy counts as winning if you really hate comprehensive legislation.
Federal workers will receive their back pay in installments over several weeks because the agencies that process millions of payments monthly somehow can't figure out how to pay their own staff in one transaction. SNAP recipients should get their November benefits "hopefully by Monday," according to Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, who added "or whenever, really."
The bill includes a provision allowing senators whose phone records were obtained during the January 6 investigation to sue for up to $500,000, because apparently the solution to "senators did crimes" is "pay the senators money."
Congressional staffers have already begun preparing for the next shutdown in January, with several spotted updating their résumés and researching which credit cards offer the best cash advances.