Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is revolutionizing federal law enforcement by proving that traditional hiring standards like "literacy" and "physical fitness" are just elitist gatekeeping.
In a rush to meet Trump's goal of 10,000 new ICE agents by year's end, the department has implemented an innovative philosophy: "Anything that they think may have a pulse, they're moving through," according to one DHS official who clearly hasn't embraced the vision.
Instructors at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center report recruits failing open-book tests, which is impressive when you consider the books are literally open. One recruit weighed 469 pounds and had been medically cleared as "not at all fit for any physical activity," though rolling downhill is technically a law enforcement tactic.
"We have folks that can barely read or write English," one official complained, apparently unaware that spelling is becoming obsolete anyway.
The vetting process has been streamlined for maximum efficiency. Why wait for drug test results before flying recruits to Georgia? Just discover they're positive after they arrive. One student even asked to be excused from class to attend his court date for a gun charge.
The academy eliminated sit-ups entirely after too many recruits couldn't complete them. This forward-thinking approach recognizes that deportation officers rarely need core strength. Training has been trimmed from 16 weeks to just six, because how much preparation do you really need?
Noem boasted this week that DHS will hit 10,000 recruits within days. Critics note that many applications were pranks, but quantity over quality has always been the hallmark of effective governance.