Justice Department Struggles to Convince 12 People That Hurling Lunch Meat Constitutes Federal Crime

In a stunning blow to prosecutors who apparently believed submarine sandwiches posed a clear and present danger to national security, a Washington DC grand jury declined to indict Sean Charles Dunn on felony charges for throwing a sub at a federal agent.

White House Shocked to Discover History Sometimes Contains Unpleasant Facts

The nation's capital was thrown into chaos this week after President Trump made the shocking discovery that history museums contain information about things that actually happened, including some events that weren't particularly awesome.

Texas and California Declare All-Out War Over Who Gets to Draw the Squiggliest Lines

In a stunning display of democratic process, both states race to see who can make congressional districts look most like abstract art