Three Sydney Men Attempt to Import Half-Ton of Cocaine, Shocked When Police Notice Suspicious Behavior

Local law enforcement is patting themselves on the back after successfully detecting what they're calling "the world's least subtle cocaine importation scheme," involving three Sydney men who apparently believed that 506 kilograms of illegal drugs would somehow slip through customs unnoticed like a forgotten water bottle.

America Successfully Transforms Itself Into World's Least Popular Tourist Destination, Canadians Lead Mass Exodus

Through a masterful combination of aggressive diplomacy and creative hostility, the United States has managed to become less appealing to international tourists than a vacation to an active volcano during monsoon season.

Governor Warns That Colorful Crosswalks Are Turning Florida Drivers Dangerously Fabulous

In his latest crusade against things that sparkle, Governor Ron DeSantis ordered Florida cities to remove rainbow crosswalks, claiming the colorful pavement poses an existential threat to drivers who might accidentally become gay while crossing the street.

Australia Declares Tiny Plastic Fish Public Enemy Number One, Sushi Industry in Crisis

In a bold move that has environmentalists cheering and sushi enthusiasts weeping into their California rolls, South Australia became the first place on Earth to ban the iconic fish-shaped soy sauce packets that have terrorized marine ecosystems for decades with their adorable plastic menace.

Trump Orders All Federal Buildings to Cosplay as Ancient Greek Temples

President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday requiring all federal buildings to embrace "classical architecture," effectively banning any structure that doesn't look like it was designed by someone with a serious obsession with ancient Greece and a lot of leftover marble.

Justice Department Struggles to Convince 12 People That Hurling Lunch Meat Constitutes Federal Crime

In a stunning blow to prosecutors who apparently believed submarine sandwiches posed a clear and present danger to national security, a Washington DC grand jury declined to indict Sean Charles Dunn on felony charges for throwing a sub at a federal agent.

White House Shocked to Discover History Sometimes Contains Unpleasant Facts

The nation's capital was thrown into chaos this week after President Trump made the shocking discovery that history museums contain information about things that actually happened, including some events that weren't particularly awesome.

Texas and California Declare All-Out War Over Who Gets to Draw the Squiggliest Lines

In a stunning display of democratic process, both states race to see who can make congressional districts look most like abstract art