President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday requiring all federal buildings to embrace "classical architecture," effectively banning any structure that doesn't look like it was designed by someone with a serious obsession with ancient Greece and a lot of leftover marble.
The order specifically targets "brutalist architecture," which Trump apparently considers a personal insult to his refined aesthetic sensibilities. Federal buildings must now "uplift and beautify public spaces" and "command respect from the general public," because nothing says "respect my authority" quite like an excessive number of Corinthian columns.
"We're bringing back the good old days when buildings looked like temples to the gods instead of concrete prisons," Trump explained while standing in front of a hastily installed backdrop featuring photos of the Parthenon photoshopped with golden Trump logos.
The General Services Administration will now ensure that every new federal building looks like it could host a Roman senate meeting, complete with marble columns and classical proportions. Any architect caught designing something that resembles a modern art installation will be required to explain themselves directly to the president.
Justin Shubow of the National Civic Art Society, who helped draft the order, declared himself "overjoyed." "Classical architecture is the architecture of American democracy," Shubow explained while gesturing at a picture of a building with so many columns it looked like a marble forest. "Nothing says freedom quite like copying buildings from civilizations that had slavery and no indoor plumbing."
The order comes as Trump transforms Washington into what critics describe as "Las Vegas meets Ancient Rome meets a very expensive hotel lobby." Recent White House renovations include paving over the Rose Garden and installing yellow-striped umbrellas that make the presidential residence look like it's perpetually hosting a poolside cocktail party.
Construction is set to begin on a $200 million White House ballroom featuring gold chandeliers, gilded columns, and enough marble to supply a small cathedral. The Oval Office now features what staffers describe as "enough gold to blind a pirate" and décor that makes Versailles look understated.
Architecture schools are scrambling to update their curricula. "We're throwing out decades of modernist training and going back to teaching students how to draw really, really elaborate columns," explained Professor Jane Blueprintson from Harvard's Graduate School of Design while burning textbooks about contemporary architecture.
Early reports suggest federal construction projects have ground to a halt as contractors desperately search for architects who remember how to design buildings that look like they belong in ancient Athens rather than modern America. One contractor was reportedly seen outside the Library of Congress frantically measuring columns with a tape measure while muttering "How many of these things do I need?"
The executive order is expected to remain in effect until someone explains to the president that the Supreme Court building, the Capitol, and most of DC's monuments are already classical architecture, at which point he may declare victory and move on to mandating that all federal vehicles be horse-drawn carriages.