Local law enforcement is patting themselves on the back after successfully detecting what they're calling "the world's least subtle cocaine importation scheme," involving three Sydney men who apparently believed that 506 kilograms of illegal drugs would somehow slip through customs unnoticed like a forgotten water bottle.
The Multi Agency Strike Team (MAST) - a group so elite they require their own acronym - announced the arrest of the trio, who were allegedly part of a "trusted insiders" network. These trusted insiders apparently trusted each other enough to attempt smuggling half a metric ton of cocaine, but not enough to actually research how customs inspections work.
"We're dealing with criminal masterminds here," deadpanned AFP Detective Inspector Bob Obvious-Crime while standing next to a table displaying enough cocaine to supply a small pharmaceutical company. "They had the brilliant idea to use 'trusted insiders' to facilitate the importation, which worked perfectly until they encountered the minor obstacle of law enforcement actually doing their job."
The cocaine, worth approximately $380 million street value, was seized along with $330,000 in cash - apparently the drug dealers' petty cash fund for buying coffee and newspaper subscriptions during their highly sophisticated criminal enterprise. Police noted that the cash was helpfully stored in easily identifiable duffle bags labeled "Definitely Not Drug Money."
"This operation demonstrates the incredible stupidity... I mean, sophistication of modern drug trafficking," explained MAST spokesperson Detective Sarah Sarcasm-Department. "The suspects managed to coordinate an international smuggling operation but somehow forgot that Australia has customs officials whose entire job is to look for exactly this sort of thing."
The three men, whose names cannot be published because apparently drug dealers deserve privacy protection, face charges of possessing a commercial quantity of unlawfully imported border-controlled drugs. Legal experts note this carries a maximum penalty of life imprisonment, which seems excessive for people who clearly weren't smart enough to succeed at crime anyway.
The bust was part of MAST's ongoing "Operation How-Did-You-Think-This-Would-Work," which has resulted in numerous arrests of people who apparently believed that large quantities of illegal drugs would magically become invisible when crossing international borders.
"We want to send a clear message to would-be drug importers," announced NSW Police Commander Janet Stop-Doing-Crime while gesturing at the seized cocaine like it was evidence of alien life. "Australia has sophisticated detection methods, advanced technology, and most importantly, criminals who are really, really bad at being subtle."
The investigation is ongoing, with police confident they'll uncover additional members of the network by simply following the trail of people making obviously suspicious large cash purchases and asking store clerks if they accept payment in "definitely legitimate business money."
Local crime families are reportedly holding emergency meetings to discuss whether they need to hire consultants to teach basic concepts like "don't transport half a ton of drugs at once" and "maybe don't use the word 'trusted' in your criminal organization's name."