Through a masterful combination of aggressive diplomacy and creative hostility, the United States has managed to become less appealing to international tourists than a vacation to an active volcano during monsoon season.
Joe Koenen, who runs Seattle Free Walking Tours, reported that he hasn't seen a single Toronto Blue Jays hat all summer - a phenomenon so rare that local wildlife experts initially suspected the hats had gone extinct. "Canadians are fleeing faster than people leaving a timeshare presentation," Koenen sobbed while counting his dramatically reduced profits. "They explicitly told me they'd rather vacation in a North Korean prison camp than deal with our current administration."
The Canadian boycott has become so complete that Seattle tourism officials are considering hiring actors to dress as Canadians and walk around saying "eh" just to maintain the illusion of international visitors. Blue Jays gear has become so scarce that local sports memorabilia dealers are treating it like rare archaeological artifacts.
Tour operator John Brink watched his Canadian customer base vanish like free beer at a college party. "Usually Blue Jays weekend is like printing money," Brink explained while updating his LinkedIn profile to "Former Tourism Professional, Current Victim of International Relations." "This year I made more money selling lemonade to my neighbors."
The tourism apocalypse has reached such epic proportions that America is now the only country out of 184 that actively repels tourists without trying. The US is projected to lose $12.5 billion in visitor spending, essentially paying people to NOT visit through a combination of aggressive tariffs, suspicious border questioning, and the general vibe of a country having a very public nervous breakdown.
International travelers have responded by fleeing to literally anywhere else. Mexico is reportedly building emergency resorts to handle the overflow of tourists who used to visit Florida. European travel agents have started offering "Anywhere But America" package deals featuring destinations like "Relaxing North Korea" and "Peaceful Syria."
British tourist Rob Hawkins perfectly captured the global sentiment: "I used to think of America as rock 'n roll and apple pie. Now I think of it as military patrols and people screaming at each other in grocery stores." Hawkins canceled his US trip in favor of visiting countries with "less political drama," specifically North Korea and Afghanistan.
The Trump administration has inadvertently created what experts call "the world's most expensive anti-tourism program." New features include a $250 "visa integrity fee" (basically charging people for the privilege of being treated like potential criminals), National Guard troops patrolling tourist attractions, and immigration raids that make Disneyland feel like a war zone.
Las Vegas CEO Steve Hill recently flew to Vancouver on a desperate mission to convince Canadians that American casinos are still fun, even if the country surrounding them has lost its mind. "We told them we're here when they're ready," Hill said, essentially putting American tourism into international witness protection.
The situation has become so desperate that Congress responded by slashing tourism marketing budgets, because apparently the best way to attract visitors is to stop advertising entirely. This is roughly equivalent to trying to fix a sinking ship by drilling more holes in the hull.
Orlando theme parks now feature more National Guard members than international tourists, while Las Vegas has started offering "Authentic American Chaos Experience" packages for the few brave souls still willing to visit.
Tourism officials remain delusionally optimistic that the 2026 FIFA World Cup will solve everything, apparently believing that soccer fans are immune to common sense and will visit regardless of whether their countries are being threatened with military annexation.