In a stunning display of democratic process, both states race to see who can make congressional districts look most like abstract art
In what political scientists are calling "the most sophisticated game of connect-the-dots in American history," Texas and California have officially entered a high-stakes battle to redraw congressional maps that would make a toddler with a crayon proud.
The conflict began when President Trump personally called Texas lawmakers with what sources describe as "very detailed suggestions about how squiggly the lines should be." One anonymous Texas legislator reported: "He said districts should look like either a pretzel, a salamander, or his signature. We went with pretzel."
Not to be outdone, California Governor Gavin Newsom immediately convened an emergency session of what he's calling the "Democratic Doodle Committee," comprised of former Etch A Sketch champions and at least one person who once won a county fair pie-eating contest. They've been working around the clock to create districts that spell out "RESIST" when viewed from space.
"If Texas wants to play games with democracy, we'll show them games," declared Newsom while dramatically unfurling a 47-foot map showing congressional districts arranged in the shape of a middle finger pointing eastward.
Both states have employed cutting-edge technology in their redistricting efforts. Texas hired professional sidewalk chalk artists, while California recruited experts in string art and macramé. "We're using the most advanced map-drawing software available," explained Texas Redistricting Committee Chair Bob Squiggle-Lines. "It's called Microsoft Paint, and the 'spray paint' tool has revolutionized how we think about voter representation."
Early polling suggests voters are adapting to the new reality. "I used to live in the 3rd district, but after they redrew the lines, I'm apparently in the √π district," said confused voter Mike Henderson while standing in what used to be his backyard but is now technically classified as three separate congressional zones.
Another voter, Susan Martinez, expressed optimism: "Sure, my congressional district now includes my house, a Starbucks in Dallas, and a small fishing village in Maine, but at least I'm finally represented by someone who understands my complex geographical identity."
Political science professor Dr. Chart McGrapherson from the University of Obvious Studies explained: "What we're seeing is democracy in action. Nothing says 'representative government' quite like districts that require GPS coordinates and a compass to navigate."
The Texas Legislature is expected to give final approval to their pretzel-shaped districts next week, while California voters will decide this fall whether they want their representatives chosen based on districts that look like "geometric interpretations of the collective unconscious."