In his latest crusade against things that sparkle, Governor Ron DeSantis ordered Florida cities to remove rainbow crosswalks, claiming the colorful pavement poses an existential threat to drivers who might accidentally become gay while crossing the street.
The measure affects communities such as Miami Beach, Key West, and Fort Lauderdale, where DeSantis has threatened to withhold millions in state funding unless cities immediately return their crosswalks to regulation beige. "You're always gonna have the Key Wests of the world that are going to virtue signal," DeSantis declared, apparently unaware that Key West has been aggressively fabulous since before he was born.
The governor's office issued a statement explaining that rainbow crosswalks violate Florida's new "Straight Streets Act," which mandates that all roadways maintain traditional values and heterosexual color schemes. "We cannot allow our infrastructure to promote the radical agenda of visible light spectrums," said a DeSantis spokesperson while standing next to a PowerPoint presentation titled "Why Colors Are Dangerous."
Local officials have responded with confusion and quiet rebellion. Miami Beach Mayor Dan Gelber was reportedly seen sneaking out at midnight with a paintbrush, muttering "They can take our funding, but they'll never take our fabulousness." Meanwhile, Key West officials have proposed replacing rainbow crosswalks with crosswalks featuring only the colors of the Florida flag, which ironically still includes red.
People in Orlando have defied Republican Governor Ron DeSantis and reinstated a rainbow crosswalk outside the Pulse nightclub, creating what local media is calling "the world's first underground crosswalk resistance movement." The restoration has prompted DeSantis to deploy the Florida Department of Transportation's elite "Anti-Rainbow Squad," whose job is apparently to drive around the state with gray paint looking for unauthorized color displays.
The controversy has sparked a broader debate about the political implications of the visible light spectrum. "Today it's rainbow crosswalks, tomorrow they'll ban actual rainbows," warned concerned meteorologist Dr. Weather McForecast. "What happens when Mother Nature refuses to comply with Florida's color regulations?"
Police have been criticized for wasting time and money on "watching us color," as officers are now required to guard freshly painted gray crosswalks to prevent guerrilla rainbow attacks. The Florida Highway Patrol has reportedly established a 24-hour "Color Crime Unit" to monitor for illegal paint activities.
DeSantis defended the crackdown during a press conference held entirely in black and white to avoid any accidental color violations. "We will not allow our state roads to be commandeered for political purposes," he declared, apparently forgetting that his own campaign buses feature more colors than a pride parade.
The battle is expected to continue until either DeSantis runs out of gray paint or Florida cities discover that technically, beige is also a color.