A masked bandit broke into a Virginia liquor store over the weekend and lived out every adult's fantasy of having unlimited access to alcohol, only to discover why it's actually a terrible idea.
The suspect, later identified as "Cole," crashed through the ceiling of the Ashland ABC Store early Saturday morning and proceeded to sample the bottom-shelf whisky and scotch selection. Like any seasoned drinker making poor decisions at 2 a.m., he opted for quantity over quality.
What followed was what authorities are calling a "full-blown rampage" and what Cole's friends are probably calling "a pretty standard Saturday night." Bottles were smashed, ceiling tiles collapsed, and alcohol pooled across the floor.
The spree ended as all great drinking adventures do: passed out on a bathroom floor between a toilet and a garbage can. An employee discovered Cole on Saturday morning in what experts describe as the "sploot position," a technical term for "spread out like a starfish with zero dignity remaining."
Cole was transported to the animal shelter to sleep it off, where officials confirmed he showed "zero signs of injury (other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices)." The shelter hopes Cole learned that "breaking and entering is not the answer," though given raccoon recidivism rates, this seems optimistic.
There is no security footage of the incident, as Cole took the cameras down with him when he crashed through the ceiling, demonstrating the kind of thorough planning that suggests this wasn't his first rodeo.