In an effort to streamline international diplomacy and cut down on costly geographic specifics, the U.S. State Department proudly debuted a groundbreaking new map of Africa at a global health conference this week, sources confirmed Wednesday.
The presentation, which completely scrambled and mislabeled every single country on the continent, was hailed by Washington officials as a major leap forward in "vibes-based cartography".
According to attendees at the global conference, the slide deck featured a brilliantly chaotic reimagining of the world's second-largest continent. Nigeria—home to hundreds of U.S. troops—was thoughtfully relocated deep into the arid expanse of the Sahara Desert as a landlocked sandbox, while Mozambique was hoisted up to the Horn of Africa to give it a better view of the ocean. Meanwhile, the Ivory Coast was picked up, spun around like a basketball on a finger, and slammed down on the exact opposite side of the continent.
"Look, people get bogged down in the minutiae of borders, longitudes, and centuries of complex geopolitical history," said top U.S. health envoy Jeff Graham, addressing a room of baffled international dignitaries and high-level African health officials. "Does it really matter if Mozambique is in the south or hanging out by the Red Sea? At the end of the day, it’s all just sort of over there, near the warm places."
Rather than apologizing, State Department leadership doubled down on the creative redesign. "We take full responsibility for any confusion, primarily because we didn't expect anyone to actually look at the slides," read an official agency statement. "In the spirit of partnership, we invite our African allies to stop complaining about being relocated to landlocked sand dunes and embrace their new, highly randomized lifestyle coordinates."
The State Department was reportedly rushing to finalize its upcoming presentation on Asia, which sources close to the administration suggest will feature a detailed map consisting entirely of three labels: China, Big China, and That One Island Where They Make the Silicon.