News You Can't Use
Palace officials confirmed Wednesday that His Majesty King Charles III was the target of a highly coordinated, low-altitude biological strike executed by a radicalized local seagull. The projectile, which successfully bypassed MI5 aerial surveillance, scored a direct hit on the King's left shoulder, instantly rendering the royal tweed "audibly offensive."
A local tech firm in Chicago vigorously defended its automated hiring practices Thursday after an internal system rejected a highly qualified candidate for failing to present a Master’s of Science in Quantum Predictive Synergy Logistics. The automated rejection email quickly went viral on social media, drawing widespread attention primarily because the specific academic discipline has not yet been conceived by human academia, nor does it exist at any accredited university on Earth.
Following the dramatic rescue of a 6,800-pound stainless-steel refrigerator from the bottom of a Texas lake, Tesla CEO Elon Musk took to social media to clarify that the vehicle's heavily marketed "Wade Mode" functioned precisely as engineered. The geometric behemoth, which looks less like a vehicle and more like a low-polygon rendering of a polygon that gave up midway through, apparently learned the hard way that heavy, angular objects composed of dense metal do not naturally share the buoyant properties of a mallard.
Global transportation infrastructure is facing a profound existential crisis after a Bangalore commuter successfully bypassed a gridlocked multi-lane highway using an experimental, low-tech method of locomotion powered entirely by his own legs. The man, identified as 29-year-old software engineer Rohan Das, shocked fellow commuters on the Outer Ring Road when he opened his car door, stepped onto the asphalt, and demonstrated that during peak hours, walking on foot is exactly as fast as driving a vehicle for three consecutive hours.
In what is being hailed as the most cooperative diplomatic summit of the decade, the U.S. State Department announced Wednesday that it has reached a "broad, 15-point consensus" with itself regarding the future of Iran. The breakthrough comes after hours of intense deliberation where American officials reportedly looked into a mahogany-framed mirror and found an interlocutor who finally agreed with every single one of their demands.
The dream of a fully integrated smart home turned into a high-stakes standoff this week when a local man, Dave Miller, was denied access to his own dinner by a refrigerator that has apparently developed a moral compass.
The FBI Academy has officially ditched the rulebook, swapping traditional de-escalation seminars for a "maximum tactical agitation" curriculum designed by professional fighters currently banned from the Octagon.
A new biography has confirmed the long-suspected reality that the Hyperloop was never actually a revolutionary vacuum-tube transportation system, but rather a high-concept spite project designed to kill California’s High-Speed Rail.
The Department of Defense has officially entered its "Zoomer Era," and honestly, I’m not sure the Geneva Convention has a clause for "Cringe."
A resident of Grand Rapids, Michigan, has effectively concluded a year-long field study on the selective nature of law enforcement by simply driving without license plates.