News You Can't Use
In a bold move to redefine the concept of "ownership," Amazon has officially entered its digital highwayman era. Kindle users were shocked this week to discover that their $160 e-readers now come with a $20 "Peace and Quiet" tax.
For over fifty years, Southwest Airlines has marketed itself as the "fun aunt" of the aviation industry—the one who lets you bring two suitcases for free and doesn't care where you sit as long as you’re wearing a seatbelt. But after a relentless campaign by activist investors who find "customer loyalty" to be an annoying obstacle to buying a third yacht, the airline is officially entering its corporate mid-life crisis.
In the year 2026, basic biological hydration is no longer a private health choice; it is a high-level security clearance. Former President Barack Obama found himself at the center of a digital firestorm this week after a podcast appearance where his decision to drink water was interpreted as a definitive signal to our galactic overlords.
While the "wellness" industry spent the last decade trying to sell us $12 bottles of alkaline water and $2,000 smart-mirrors that yell at you to do squats, 94-year-old Dr. Viswanathan has been quietly winning at life by doing the unthinkable: staying blissfully, stubbornly offline.
Reform UK has unveiled a £3 billion plan to slash the price of beer by potentially 5p per pint—funded entirely by reinstating the two-child benefit cap and plunging 450,000 children back into poverty. Political scientists are calling it "mathematically dystopian," while Nigel Farage is calling it "a proper night out, sorted."
Waymo executives admitted Wednesday that when their autonomous vehicles get confused, they sometimes call someone in the Philippines for help. The company prefers to describe these workers as "overseas contextual navigation specialists" rather than "guys named Steve who tell the robot what to do."
PepsiCo announced Tuesday it will reduce snack prices by up to 15% after a year-long listening tour revealed the shocking discovery that customers find their products "too expensive," a concept the company's executive team had apparently never encountered before.
China has become the first nation to require that car doors operate using the ancient, mystical technology known as "handles you can pull," ending the brief and deadly reign of doors that require a degree in electrical engineering to open during an emergency.
Several prominent conservative media personalities visiting San Francisco for the Super Bowl have expressed shock and confusion after discovering the city is not, in fact, a post-apocalyptic hellscape ruled by feral homeless people and Nancy Pelosi.
In a bold declaration of medical sovereignty, the United States officially withdrew from the World Health Organization on Wednesday, confidently asserting that it has learned everything there is to know about health and no longer requires assistance from the international community.