Citing their complete failure to understand that buildings should "look classy, like really classy," President Trump fired all six members of the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts Tuesday after discovering the federal agency had been approving monuments and memorials without sufficient quantities of marble columns and gilded ornamentation.
"These so-called experts have been advising on federal architecture for over a century and somehow forgot that every building should look like a casino lobby," Trump said while gesturing dismissively at a photo of Maya Lin's Vietnam Veterans Memorial, which he described as "very sad, very low energy—where are the fountains?"
The terminated commissioners—experts in architecture, landscape design, and urban planning—were reportedly blindsided by their dismissal, having foolishly assumed that professional credentials and decades of experience would be valued over an aesthetic preference for structures that resemble what would happen if Liberace designed the Palace of Versailles.
"We thought our job was to preserve architectural integrity and honor American design traditions," said former commissioner Bruce Redman Becker, who clearly failed to understand that 'American design traditions' now means 'whatever Trump thinks looks expensive.' "Apparently we should have been suggesting more atriums with floor-to-ceiling mirrors."
The White House confirmed it will replace the commission with members "more aligned with President Trump's America First Policies," a phrase that in architectural terms translates to "people who think the Parthenon didn't go far enough and that the Arc de Triomphe would be better if it had a waterfall feature."
The purge comes as Trump prepares to build a $200 million White House ballroom that early renderings suggest will require sunglasses to enter and his planned 250th-anniversary monument, which sources say will be "like the Arc de Triomphe, but classier, with my name on it, obviously."
Justin Shubow, founder of the National Civic Art Society and a Trump appointee during his first term, is expected to return to the commission. Shubow champions classical architecture and has spent years arguing that buildings constructed after 500 BC represent humanity's tragic descent into mediocrity.
"The problem with modern architecture is that it fails to communicate power, dominance, and extreme wealth," Shubow explained while standing in front of a PowerPoint slide showing the White House photoshopped to include seventeen additional columns and at least four more eagles. "When I look at a federal building, I should feel like I'm about to meet with Caesar, not attend a municipal planning meeting."
The fired commissioners would have advised Trump on his ballroom and monument plans, but sources say their suggestions—which reportedly included phrases like "proportional restraint" and "contextual sensitivity"—were deemed "not helpful" by an administration seeking architectural advice more aligned with "make it bigger and put more gold on it."
Architectural historians note this marks the first time a sitting president has fired an entire arts commission for insufficient enthusiasm about baroque excess, though several pointed out this is actually consistent with Trump's longstanding belief that subtlety is for losers and taste is whatever costs the most money.
The new commissioners are expected to be announced shortly, with early frontrunners including the interior designer of Trump Tower's lobby, a man who once bedazzled an entire mansion, and someone who keeps insisting the pyramids would have been better if they were hotels.
At press time, Trump was reviewing plans for the proposed Arc de Triomphe replica and demanding to know why nobody had suggested making it revolve.