In a bold declaration of medical sovereignty, the United States officially withdrew from the World Health Organization on Wednesday, confidently asserting that it has learned everything there is to know about health and no longer requires assistance from the international community.
"We've been doing health for years now, and frankly, we've got it figured out," explained Secretary of Health and Human Services in a press conference held at a Golden Corral in suburban Maryland. "All those other countries with their 'universal healthcare' and 'lower infant mortality rates' can keep their fancy recommendations. We're going rogue."
The withdrawal, which was finalized at 12:01 AM EST, immediately freed up the $130 million in annual contributions that the US can now redirect toward more pressing domestic needs, such as researching why Americans specifically need commercials telling them to ask their doctors about medications.
WHO officials expressed disappointment at the news but admitted they saw it coming after the US stopped responding to their emails in 2020 and changed their Zoom password.
"We tried to stay in touch," said one WHO representative, visibly upset. "We sent them our pandemic preparedness guidelines, our vaccination strategies, our global disease surveillance updates. They kept replying with 'unsubscribe.'"
The American Medical Association released a statement saying they were "totally fine" with the decision and that they'd been meaning to Google "how to handle the next pandemic" anyway. Several doctors admitted they weren't entirely sure what the WHO did, but assumed it was probably nothing important since it had "World" in the name rather than "America."
Citizens across the nation celebrated the withdrawal by immediately getting sick with preventable diseases that are monitored by the WHO's global surveillance network, which the US will no longer have access to.
"I feel healthier already knowing we're not taking advice from foreigners," said local man Derek Patterson, 43, while coughing directly into his hands at a crowded airport terminal. "If God wanted us to coordinate our disease response internationally, He wouldn't have given us ocean borders."
The WHO building in Geneva has reportedly already converted the US's former office space into a meditation room, stating that the empty space "has better ideas about public health."
At press time, the US announced plans to create its own health organization called the Patriotic Wellness Alliance, which will meet annually to confirm that everything is fine and that vegetables are probably a hoax invented by Big Salad.