In a stunning medical diagnosis that surprised absolutely no one, a team of former lawmakers has officially declared the U.S. House of Representatives clinically brain dead, though they note the institution still maintains a faint pulse and occasional muscle twitches.
"We ran all the tests," said former Rep. Jim Cooper, who spent 32 years attempting to locate signs of intelligent life on Capitol Hill. "There's a heartbeat, technically. But when we shined a light in its eyes, nothing happened. No response whatsoever. We played recordings of their constituents begging for help, and still nothing."
The diagnosis comes as a record number of lawmakers have begun fleeing the building as if it were on fire, though sources confirm it's actually just the normal level of dysfunction that has been smoldering for decades.
The condition reportedly worsened in 1995 when then-Speaker Newt Gingrich shortened the congressional work week to three days, allowing members to spend more time fundraising instead of governing—a treatment plan medical ethicists are now calling "catastrophically stupid." The institution remains on life support, powered almost entirely by a complex system of campaign contributions and corporate PAC money.
Barbara Comstock, president of the Association of Former Members of Congress (a support group for survivors), noted that the patient's condition has deteriorated to the point where even routine procedures have become impossible. "Back in the '90s, the patient could at least walk and chew gum at the same time," Comstock explained. "Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton would be screaming at each other in one room, and then somehow still manage to pass welfare reform in the next. Now? The patient can't even find its shoes without having an existential crisis."
When asked whether young people should pursue a career in Congress, multiple former members have begun recommending they try literally anything else instead. "Look, if you want to actually accomplish something, go work at the state level," said Comstock, pointing to two former House members who recently won governorships and reportedly regained the ability to pass legislation.
At press time, Cooper delivered a more blunt assessment: "Listen, if you want a decent country to live in, we need a functioning Congress. But right now, we're basically keeping a corpse on a ventilator and calling it democracy."
Medical ethicists remain divided on whether to recommend hospice care or if there's still hope for a miraculous recovery. The Constitution, reached for comment, declined to say whether this is what it intended when it designated Congress as the most important branch of government.